I believe I'm Beautiful

A dear friend of mine works at a center where women are in the process of recovery from different eating disorders.  This friend told me that one afternoon she was talking with a patient and my friend told the patient she was beautiful.  The patient in return asked my friend if she (my friend) thought that she (my friend) was beautiful.  My friend said she was a little taken back by the question, as we are not asked that in such a direct way very often, or even ever.  She paused, then answered in the affirmative.  Correct answer.  Later that week as we were out at dinner, my friend passed the same question on to me.  I squirmed in my chair, swished a few half-answers around in my mouth and finally sputtered a yes.  I've thought about that question over and over in the months since, and I wish I would have, or even could have answered the inquiry with more confidence and enthusiasm.  At the time though, I wasn't prepared to respond that way because I'd never been asked if I thought I was beautiful. It seems vain to say yes, we assume we should be 'modest' (insert self-depricating), but is it really vain to say yes?  I don't think so, or at least after a lot of  thinking about it.  I think it is actually incredibly refreshing to find someone who stands on their own two feet instead of leaning about waiting for someone to tell them what they are.  It's a hard thing to do though, to say, 'yeah, I'm pretty imperfect, but also pretty awesome.'  Brave?  Maybe.  Practical?  I think so. Joyful? Definitely. Liberating? a hell's yes.  I have to say though, even having said all that, I find myself reticent to post this post.  I'm taking that as a sign that it is important for me to write then.  It's funny that in a world that is fairly obsessed with looks, body type, hair, fashion, etc... we rarely, if ever, actually have to answer to the questions that are perhaps the most vital for our well-being and happiness.

I feel like I am asked if I think I am beautiful indirectly everyday.  Like when I went shopping for a pair of pants yesterday, and again, nearly left in tears because although I don't feel like a giant, according to j. crew and the Gap, I am.  I look at blogs and the tape recorder in my heads starts the reel: 'I wish I could dress like that, have hair like that, be skinny like that, have that room, that wall, that skill...etc...'.  It seems faux paux to actually say that you think you are pretty alright.

I love to look at old pictures.  It is a favorite Sunday activity to pull out of box of photos or look through an album on the computer.  A couple of months ago I was going through pictures of myself from past years and I started to think, 'hey, that girl looks beautiful.'  I realize that I am no hot babe, and that no one is envying my sweet styles. I know that I am not the perfect weight.  If I had a fashion blog it would be titled, 'how to wear black leggings everyday'  Trust me, I know my insecurities and flaws like obnoxious roommates, but... as I looked at those pictures, I suddenly felt very sad to think that the girl in those photos had spent time and energy (and by spent, I mean wasted) feeling un-beautiful or un-pretty.  This may make it sound like I myself had an eating disorder, or extremely low self-esteem, but in actuality, I didn't, nor have I ever.  I am just as average as can be.  But that is the problem, I think we are all investing time and energy into feeling less than we really are, no matter who we are.

 Birthday crayon self-portrait.

I've been letting myself feel beautiful these last months and I feel like a weight has been lifted. Actually, even literally, the less I stress about extra baby weight, the more it slinks away.   I think we should all try letting ourself feel beautiful.  It's actually pretty fun.   I realized that I don't want to look back on my photos with me and Remy and Carl and know that inside I was feeling overwhelmed with trying to be perfect.  I want to look back on our photos and know that I am totally present.   I have a lot more to say about all of this, so I will probably come back to the topic several times.

If you read and want to make a comment, please do this:  Ask yourself, 'Do I believe I am beautiful?'  Then in your comment, write why you are, or at least one reason.  Maybe your answer is no, and that's pretty tough.  I think we've all been there too.  Maybe it's time then to ask yourself why you feel that way, and what can be done to change it.  I imagine the answer is not simply to go to the gym more, or to get a new haircut, but probably requires a little more searching around on the inside and coming up your own reasons that are not beholden to anyone or anything.

Gee whiz, don't think that I am trying to become a motivation speaker or something.  I realize I can wax a little corny, even melodramatic?  But seriously, I feel like these topics are so important and we rarely have to stare them in the face.