2.03.2010

All day I wanted to write about my hips. How I was upset with them for continually expanding, even though I am not pregnant, nor have I ever been. I wanted to tell them about how I've been working hard to exercise them, along with the rest of my body, and how I wish they would respond accordingly, but then, as I got on with it, and further into the day, that all seemed rather silly. So i have big hips, it's alright. I spoke with people I love today. I read things written by people I love. Carl got up to give me a hug and do jumping jacks in the kitchen with me when I got home. My cousin came downstairs and ate soup with me. My students are revising their papers and working so hard. I got to see the sunshine and the valley from the top of the mountain. I took a bath. I saw Darcie, and I saw Darcie's son, who knows my name and knows that Carl and I belong together in the same house. Brenda came over, and she helped me do the dishes. I talked to Leland on the phone and made a new friend on the ski lift. I read Neruda, who makes me giddy with delight. I saw Gee, who I've known since I was eleven and we had no other friends besides each other, and she has a lovely husband, who made us hot chocolate. And i have sisters and brothers in laws. And I talked to Ani, and the words were like deep, feathery quilts which fell over beds long unmade. I talk about poetry for at least 10 hours a week, and then i come home and try and write it. I've been far too trite and careless in the past with the beauty that surrounds me. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to grow up, and still I'm not even close. I'm sorry I whine that my clothes don't fit, or that they are old and only used to be cool. I'm sorry that I was ungrateful that we were eating lentils, again. Or that I can't be content just staying in Provo for the summer. I'm sorry that I was careless and ignorant to friends I loved very much. I don't know how to move backwards though, I don't know how to stop myself from being what I've already been. So I will say this, God teaches us to love unconditionally, but he cannot do it all at once. We are creatures with pockets full of mistakes. More than pockets. I'm sorry for all of my ingratitude. Really I am. It embarrasses me. It reflects poorly upon the world in which I live, and the people who have loved me. I want to be grateful. I want to cherish the sacred, I want to hold it the way I hold my grandfather's wedding ring. But first, I want to see the sacred. I imagine it looks something like the blue sky coming up over the untouched snow when I looked behind me on the skiing hill today. I imagine it looks like that picture of us.

8 comments:

Heather said...

Ashley,

Thank you for this wonderful post, truly. Besides eating lunch with you, yesterday was the worst day EVER for me! EVERYTHING I did went awry and sour.I'm sure eith you or Carl heard me yelling at Wanda and Cole ALLL DAYYY LONGGG. This post you wrote here made me happy again and lifted my spirits.

xo.

ZLB said...

dear ashmae. this is the post i needed to read today. i was in the temple last night and felt the same way, how i need to be grateful for right here right now and how wonderful it is. i realized that so often my core emotion is longing, waiting. i want my core emotion to be gratitude and reverence for the sacred. and i want to see you and talk to you and feel your beautiful spirit.
love,
zina
p.s. my hips are real big too, and they keep expanding, all my clothes are tight. maybe we need to go shopping again. :)

Natalie. said...

pretty words.

pretty reminders.

pretty girl.

I love you Ash.

ginni said...

Who is, Virginia Wolfe?

ginni said...

I also want to say that I like this:

"I want to see the sacred. I imagine it looks something like the blue sky coming up over the untouched snow when I looked behind me on the skiing hill today. I imagine it looks like that picture of us."

Rachel. said...

This is the most beautiful thing I have read in a long time. Thank you. And you have lovely hips.

Annie Link said...

What a beautiful, beautiful person you are.

I love you Ashley.

Holly-girl said...

So, I finally got to sit and scroll through your writings ... wow. Lovely as a summers day they are. I feel so lucky to have stumbled upon your blog and I'm already a dedicated reader. ;-) Reading your lovely turn-of-phrase was the bright spot in my day.