All the Birds of This Day

All day I wanted to write about my hips. How I was upset with them for continually expanding, even though I am not pregnant, nor have I ever been. I wanted to tell them about how I've been working hard to exercise them, along with the rest of my body, and how I wish they would respond accordingly, but then, as I got on with it, and further into the day, that all seemed rather silly. So i have big hips, it's alright. I spoke with people I love today. I read things written by people I love. Carl got up to give me a hug and do jumping jacks in the kitchen with me when I got home. My cousin came downstairs and ate soup with me. My students are revising their papers and working so hard. I got to see the sunshine and the valley from the top of the mountain. I took a bath. I saw Darcie, and I saw Darcie's son, who knows my name and knows that Carl and I belong together in the same house. Brenda came over, and she helped me do the dishes. I talked to Leland on the phone and made a new friend on the ski lift. I read Neruda, who makes me giddy with delight. I saw Gee, who I've known since I was eleven and we had no other friends besides each other, and she has a lovely husband, who made us hot chocolate. And i have sisters and brothers in laws. And I talked to Ani, and the words were like deep, feathery quilts which fell over beds long unmade. I talk about poetry for at least 10 hours a week, and then i come home and try and write it. I've been far too trite and careless in the past with the beauty that surrounds me. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to grow up, and still I'm not even close. I'm sorry I whine that my clothes don't fit, or that they are old and only used to be cool. I'm sorry that I was ungrateful that we were eating lentils, again. Or that I can't be content just staying in Provo for the summer. I'm sorry that I was careless and ignorant to friends I loved very much. I don't know how to move backwards though, I don't know how to stop myself from being what I've already been. So I will say this, God teaches us to love unconditionally, but he cannot do it all at once. We are creatures with pockets full of mistakes. More than pockets. I'm sorry for all of my ingratitude. Really I am. It embarrasses me. It reflects poorly upon the world in which I live, and the people who have loved me. I want to be grateful. I want to cherish the sacred, I want to hold it the way I hold my grandfather's wedding ring. But first, I want to see the sacred. I imagine it looks something like the blue sky coming up over the untouched snow when I looked behind me on the skiing hill today. I imagine it looks like that picture of us.