2.03.2011

Little dream

I've read that in the third trimester of pregnancy, dreams begin to be quite vivid. I am a pretty intense dreamer anyway, so right now, between the hourly hefting of my belly from one side of the bed to the other, those dreams are colorful and involved. Early this morning, as I bumbled around trying to get to the bathroom and back without waking up Carl again, I remembered all of my dream and it seemed to make sense to me.

In my dream I was walking about all sorts of familiar places in Provo and I was spending time with people I know and love. In this dream however, I was acutely aware of how much more apt, motivated and successful other people were from me. I don't think my feelings stemmed from any sort of jealousy, just feeling not up to the task on my own part. Here are just a few of the things that went down during my day of wandering Provo: I ran into Charla and Leland in a printmaking studio where they were working on projects, I remember thinking how successful they both are. Charla is just pretty, motivated and hardworking in general and Leland was churning out fabulous projects on his letterpress and talking to everyone as he worked. He also had a very strong penchant for speaking Japanese, which I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually do in real life. Then I made my way through a neighborhood near my elementary school, one of the houses had a tree that grew balloons and although the balloons were droopy and not very brightly colored, I admired their creative ability to grow something like balloons, and then the next house even out did that and had balloons twisted into shapes, like you get at carnivals, growing up and out of their trees. I think I remembered my somewhat failed garden of last spring. I passed on to my kindergarten classroom and suddenly felt quite embarrassed that I wasn't doing volunteer work there, or even more, that I wasn't a kindergarten teacher working hard for those little kiddies. I was going to walk to my high school, but realized I had driven my car, so along the way, I looked out and saw so many people who were better at exercising than me. They were out jogging, and they seemed to be rather enjoying it. Finally I made it back to my high school where a group of dear friends were having a gathering. Lisa always makes the perfect party dish and somehow, when I tried to help, I ended up getting dishwater in the pasta salad. I hate it when that happens. Darcie, of course, had brought a beautiful cake. We all sat down to watch a movie and I somehow was missing the point entirely. I couldn't understand why everyone was laughing so hard about all these aliens on an airplane. I felt silly for not understanding. The last thing I remember however, was while everyone was involved in the movie, and I was busy eating candy on the couch, my cousin's little boy Ollie came over, I think because he also likes candy, and sat down with me. He asked me why my belly was so big, and I told him I was growing him a cousin, and then I think, for the first time in the dream, I felt proud and calm and then I woke up.

I don't mean to go on and on here, but I think this dream taught me, or reminded me of some important things. I've been spending lots of quiet time growing this little boy, and all the while, worrying quite a bit about not being productive enough, or not making a difference in the world. I don't mean this to say that I don't think those things aren't important, or that I should set them by the wayside, but I also want to love just what I am doing right now and recognize the value and importance of seemingly small tasks and moments. I don't think this is applicable to just pregnant people, or moms. I think we all have a tendency to tell ourselves that we are not doing enough, and that we are not good enough. I am realizing now that for the next few years, I may not be a PhD scholar, or teaching schools of orphans or even going to awesome parties where everyone knows me. I may spend a lot of time at home, with this little boy that is coming soon, and while I still feel strongly about a woman's ability and capability to do many things in the world, even while she is in the throes of motherhood, I want to spend some time just being happy for what and who I am right now. I still want to be a part of the world, and I want to work hard to make a difference, but I also want to re-evalute, or hone in the ways in which I will make that difference. The ways may be quieter, and less flashy than I was originally thinking. And I think that's okay too, because already, I sure am proud of this little boy. I may even secretly believe that he moves and kicks with more grace than any other baby I've seen at this stage.

6 comments:

annie (of annilygreen) said...

you're a-ok, ashley mae. and that baby is one lucky dude to have you as a mamma.

Club Narwhal said...

this made me feel so much better about life. thank you.

julianne rose said...

dear ashmae - it's been so long! but i wanted to say thank you for writing this! i was going to write something so similar on my own blog this week but kept holding back... i always feel i am not doing enough. it's exhausting and depressing, no? but i suppose we all feel that way - even those we compare ourselves to for all their productive goodness. so thanks for writing, and yay for your new baby - nothing.nothing.nothing. is more important!

Chelsea said...

I was so glad to read this. Thank you!

Sofia Deyanira said...

I am privileged to read this.

Brooke said...

I'm actually pretty sure he is actually more graceful than other babies, and just better all the way around :)