New Spaces.

I believe that we all are constantly trying to navigate new spaces.  All of us are bravely stepping our way into spaces we feel we don't have the expertise, nor supplies to fill in. 

This painting then, while in a lot of ways is about motherhood, is more about the process of understanding and learning to be in a part of our lives. For me, right now, the open space in this painting is motherhood.  But a few years ago it would have been marriage, or more school, or a new understanding, or leaving on a mission.  

A year ago I was about to be a brand new mom.  I felt like this painting:  at the beginning of an expansive space that I trusted was lovely and surreal, but I also felt rather unsure of how I would ever fill that space.   Literally.  How would I fill my time as a mother?  Before I had Remy I knew how to do all manner of things.  I was in a Master's program, I taught school, I did community projects, I traveled, I went out with friends, I balanced and I juggled activities and rigorous schedules. After Remy, I was given many, many quiet hours to fill. I was given a giant space to make whatever I liked of.  I was also given a friend with which to do all of this, and I get the sense that he didn't entirely know what he was doing either. 

When Remy came, he came with this great new space that I trod out into.  The other things in my life were still there, kind of.  I imagine it like stepping into a big balloon that is filling with air.  It is a little unfamiliar inside, though you can still see through the walls at all the things you once knew so well.  They are still there, but you now inhabit a new environment.

Over the past year, I've done a lot of carting things into my motherhood space, and then a lot of unpacking and sorting them, and trying my best to put them together so they function.  Lately though, more than bringing things into my space, I am in the process of moving the clutter out.  Turns out, I know how to fill the new space better than I gave myself credit for.  I was so worried about doing it right, about filling every nook and cranny with something good, that I forgot it is sometimes best to stick with what got us started on our journey in the first place.  I know I love Remy, a whole lot.  I have since I sensed his content little spirit.  I want our space to be filled with that knowledge, and I don't want that knowledge crowded out by watching the clock, scheduling, worrying, or doubting.


Blue Cheese said...

Beautiful, my friend.

k.a. ellis said...

Hi Ashley,

Rachel Olson suggested I read your post after reading mine (http://lovingellis.blogspot.com/2012/03/mothers-heart.html). Thank you for this. I really spoke to some of the same things I was thinking about.


Katie Pitts